Poop Shooter?

Yeah, maybe I read this MSNBC headline wrong: Pope's shooter wants to put attack behind him

Bloating Scare

I had trouble buttoning my pants this morning. At first i freaked out because I thought I was putting on a few extra pounds. Come to find out, I simply need larger pants because my cock keeps getting bigger. Whew!

Unfortunate Headlines

Headlines this afternoon from the web site of ABC News:

Amtrak President David Gunn Is Fired. Gun is fired? Some days I think headline writers have it too easy.

Boeing Jet Attempts Record Nonstop Flight. Followed by: Boeing Jet Attempts Record Emergency Landing When It Runs Out of Fuel.

Penis Photography

Imagine my relief when I finally realized I was not the subject of this story in The Washington Times about a man arrested for taking pictures of his penis and leaving them on women's car windshields. Another in a long string of "whews" for yours truly.

You Can Pick Your Friends, But Not Your Family (You Can Also Pick Your Nose)

Gov. Jeb Bush (c'mon, who names their kid Jeb?) is taking the blame for the slow response -- and increasing disgust -- to the rescue and recovery efforts in the wake of Hurricane Wilma (personally, Hurricane Betty did more for me, but I digress). This seems to be a common refrain among those with the last name of Bush. Well, except for the taking the blame, admitting mistakes and ability to put a noun and verb together. Sorry, Jeb, but you may have been able to outrun the voting debacle in your run for President, but you can't escape your relatives.

Barefoot and Ignorant Ain't No Way to Go Through Life, Son

This just in from National Geographic:

A new analysis of toe bones suggests that ancient people from Europe and the Middle East were the first to adopt supportive footwear—most likely primitive sandals—around 30,000 years ago.

Rumor has it that residents of West Virginia and Alabama are waiting for this new fad to cross the Atlantic.

"Thou Shall Not Blog!"

The Asbury Park Press is reporting that a Catholic school principal in New Jersey has told his students to remove any blogs they may have written or face suspension.

It's an open invitation to predators and an activity that Pope John XIII Regional High School in Sparta will no longer tolerate, the Rev. Kieran McHugh told a packed assembly of 900 high school students two weeks ago.

Yeah, that Internet thing is dangerous. I'm happy to see a man of the cloth taking such a righteous stand against improper sexual behavior. Almost makes me feel like it's safe to go into the rectory alone again.

Disclaimer: I once "knew" a girl who attended this high school and her knowledge of snogging pre-dated blogging.

Hey Knuckles!

I shoved a finger up my nose tonight chasing this squiggly bugger. All the way up to my second knuckle. I got the sucker though. But he wasn't your normal little squiggly bugger. No sirree. This one was big, like pulling a slug out of your nostril. I swear I could feel him hanging on from way back in my throat. He was so big (how big was he said the readers)...he was so big that I couldn't even flick him off. I had to pry him off with a popsicle stick. And then I ate him. With a little bit of salt.

Flying DNA

This weekend, I stumbled across a link to a company called "DNA 11."
A pretty cryptic name, no? Actually, what DNA 11 does is create
abstract art from a sample of your DNA. They charge anywhere from
$800 to $1800 for a print of your DNA suitable for hanging on the wall
of your living room next to your new plasma screen. Know what? How
about saving yourself some cold hard cash? For $29.99, I'll give you
a full bed sheet of art made from my own DNA. Of course, designs are
limited and most look eerily similar to a map of Hawaii. Check out
DNA 11 here.

You Put The Lime In The Bottle And You Drink It All Up

Nice Sausage Young Man

Oh my god. Could there be a challenger to Tim's famous Starburst porn:

http://www.nipponham.co.jp/winny/kazari/

My 28 Day Cycle

I noticed I dropped to the "Gone but not forgotten" list on Tim's blogroll (Tim, by way of Titso, by way of Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!). At first I figured it was because I've posted with about the same frequency as Michael Jackson has sex in a retirement home. But then I realized it was because..ah hell, it's because I'm on the same posting cycle as my wife's you-know-twhat. I may as well call Tampax and see if they'll throw an ad up on the blog.