Hanging Two The Left

Poop Shooter?

2006-01-11T11:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, maybe I read this MSNBC headline wrong: Pope's shooter wants to put attack behind him

Bloating Scare

2005-11-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

I had trouble buttoning my pants this morning. At first i freaked out because I thought I was putting on a few extra pounds. Come to find out, I simply need larger pants because my cock keeps getting bigger. Whew!

Unfortunate Headlines

2005-11-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

Headlines this afternoon from the web site of ABC News:

Amtrak President David Gunn Is Fired. Gun is fired? Some days I think headline writers have it too easy.

Boeing Jet Attempts Record Nonstop Flight. Followed by: Boeing Jet Attempts Record Emergency Landing When It Runs Out of Fuel.

Penis Photography

2005-10-26T23:16:00.000-04:00

Imagine my relief when I finally realized I was not the subject of this story in The Washington Times about a man arrested for taking pictures of his penis and leaving them on women's car windshields. Another in a long string of "whews" for yours truly.

You Can Pick Your Friends, But Not Your Family (You Can Also Pick Your Nose)

2005-10-26T20:54:00.000-04:00

Gov. Jeb Bush (c'mon, who names their kid Jeb?) is taking the blame for the slow response -- and increasing disgust -- to the rescue and recovery efforts in the wake of Hurricane Wilma (personally, Hurricane Betty did more for me, but I digress). This seems to be a common refrain among those with the last name of Bush. Well, except for the taking the blame, admitting mistakes and ability to put a noun and verb together. Sorry, Jeb, but you may have been able to outrun the voting debacle in your run for President, but you can't escape your relatives.

Barefoot and Ignorant Ain't No Way to Go Through Life, Son

2005-10-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

This just in from National Geographic:

A new analysis of toe bones suggests that ancient people from Europe and the Middle East were the first to adopt supportive footwear—most likely primitive sandals—around 30,000 years ago.

Rumor has it that residents of West Virginia and Alabama are waiting for this new fad to cross the Atlantic.

"Thou Shall Not Blog!"

2005-10-26T09:17:00.000-04:00

The Asbury Park Press is reporting that a Catholic school principal in New Jersey has told his students to remove any blogs they may have written or face suspension.

It's an open invitation to predators and an activity that Pope John XIII Regional High School in Sparta will no longer tolerate, the Rev. Kieran McHugh told a packed assembly of 900 high school students two weeks ago.

Yeah, that Internet thing is dangerous. I'm happy to see a man of the cloth taking such a righteous stand against improper sexual behavior. Almost makes me feel like it's safe to go into the rectory alone again.

Disclaimer: I once "knew" a girl who attended this high school and her knowledge of snogging pre-dated blogging.

Hey Knuckles!

2005-10-25T22:38:00.000-04:00

I shoved a finger up my nose tonight chasing this squiggly bugger. All the way up to my second knuckle. I got the sucker though. But he wasn't your normal little squiggly bugger. No sirree. This one was big, like pulling a slug out of your nostril. I swear I could feel him hanging on from way back in my throat. He was so big (how big was he said the readers)...he was so big that I couldn't even flick him off. I had to pry him off with a popsicle stick. And then I ate him. With a little bit of salt.

Flying DNA

2005-07-25T17:52:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I stumbled across a link to a company called "DNA 11."
A pretty cryptic name, no? Actually, what DNA 11 does is create
abstract art from a sample of your DNA. They charge anywhere from
$800 to $1800 for a print of your DNA suitable for hanging on the wall
of your living room next to your new plasma screen. Know what? How
about saving yourself some cold hard cash? For $29.99, I'll give you
a full bed sheet of art made from my own DNA. Of course, designs are
limited and most look eerily similar to a map of Hawaii. Check out
DNA 11 here.

You Put The Lime In The Bottle And You Drink It All Up

2005-07-19T22:17:00.000-04:00

Nice Sausage Young Man

2005-07-19T22:16:00.000-04:00

Oh my god. Could there be a challenger to Tim's famous Starburst porn:

http://www.nipponham.co.jp/winny/kazari/

My 28 Day Cycle

2005-07-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

I noticed I dropped to the "Gone but not forgotten" list on Tim's blogroll (Tim, by way of Titso, by way of Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!). At first I figured it was because I've posted with about the same frequency as Michael Jackson has sex in a retirement home. But then I realized it was because..ah hell, it's because I'm on the same posting cycle as my wife's you-know-twhat. I may as well call Tampax and see if they'll throw an ad up on the blog.

Wax On. Wax Off.

2005-06-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

While the title of this post may have you initially thinking of an ancient Chinese masturbation method, well, you'd be wrong. In fact, it's about ear wax. That brownish , yellowish, smellish stuff you get on the tip of your pinky finger after you try to jam said finger into the deep recesses of your skull. I've never tasted it before -- ok, never on purpose -- but, I bet you it tastes really good with a Mountain Dew.

Stain Defender

2005-06-16T06:50:00.000-04:00

I wear Dockers to the office. Stain Defenders to be exact. They make shirts out of the stuff, too. Which makes me think that they're missing a huge opportunity to create a line of Stain Defender underwear. You can just imagine the advertising tag line: Dockers Stain Defender Underwear -- Taking the Brakes Off Skidmarks.

18 Miles to Go

2005-05-24T06:59:00.000-04:00

18 miles to go. 18 miles to go. If I were a trucker, that's what I'd be thinking. 18 miles to go. Sitting there up high in my big rig, with my Ashton Kutcher farm boy hat on my noggin, thinking "Damn, only 18 miles to go." To go where, you say? 18 miles to go where? Why home of course. 18 miles home to where my woman is. Large Marge, she of Pee Wee Herman fame (we're still living partly off the residual checks). A woman of immense size and passion. A woman of steak and scrapple. Yup, 18 miles to go is what I'd be thinking.

Doggy Style

2005-05-19T06:43:00.000-04:00

So, apparently I used the words "canine" and "sex" somewhere in the posts on this blog. I know that because when I look at the stats, I can see that the majority of you perverts came here from Google searches on that topic. I am so proud. Seriously, I am.

Making a Better, More Useful Soap

2005-05-16T06:51:00.000-04:00

I think someone should invent a soap that uses Vaseline instead of aloe. The company that should do this is the one that makes Lava Soap. Their advertising tagline could be: New Lava with Vaseline! We'll have you erupting in no time!

Love Box

2005-04-29T13:32:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's just not enough to eat one. Or however that stupid saying goes. Anyway, I got to thinking today (today was my day to think) and I thought (because thought is the past tense of think) I'd list the many things that I can eat a whole box of (despite the FDA's paltry guidelines):

Pringles. Yes, I know they come in a can, not a box. But, you know what? Sometimes I like to come in a can instead of a box, too.

Fruity Pebbles. And Wilma. And Betty, too.

Nuts. OK, so they usually come in a jar. Like you've never done that. Plus, we're talking the mixed kind of nuts (and, no, not the mixed kind that hang between Michael Jackson's legs). Boy I love me warm mixed nuts.

Girl Scout Cookies. The Thin Mint kind that come in the green box. Personally, I've never come in a green box. I like a bit more hygeine in my boxes.

Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!

2005-04-22T18:22:00.000-04:00

In lieu of a post today -- hey, it's Friday give me a friggin' break -- I'm pointing you to Tim over at Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!. He's funny. Plus, I heard he has a crooked penis (rumor has it that it not only zigs to the right, but then takes an equally sharp zag to the left). Read. Enjoy. Lick lemons.

Sorry, I cunt come to the phone right now...

2005-04-18T13:38:00.000-04:00

Try as I might, I just can't seem to find anything funnier to say than what you'll read below:

Romanian Woman Thief Hid Mobile Phones In Her Vagina
April 18, 2005, 2:23:14

Romanian police searching a woman suspected of theft found her hiding a mobile phone in her vagina.

They made the astonishing discovery after dialling the number and hearing a muffled ringing coming from somewhere under the woman's skirt.

A witness said he had alerted police when he saw Ruxandra Gardian steal the phone from a customer in a restaurant. Police questioned the 34-year-old and were about to let her go when the witness suggested they ring the phone to determine whether she was hiding it.

On dialling the number they heard a sound coming from under Gardian's clothes and took her to police headquarters to be strip-searched.

Police officers conducting the search were shocked to find the phone stashed in the woman's vagina.

However, the owner of the phone has since refused to have it returned to him saying it was damaged beyond repair and he would be filing an insurance claim.

Officer Aurel Popescu commented: "I've seen a lot in my time as a policeman but never anything like this."

As a young boy...

2005-04-15T10:50:00.000-04:00

Years ago, as a young boy growing up in the sticks of New Jersey, I had a pet rooster. Strike that. I meant to say that years ago, as a young boy growing up in the sticks of New Jersey, I liked to pet my cock.

Bubbling up from my anus

2005-04-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

A few ramblings from the deep recesses of my anus:

Why is it that the long hair sticking out of my nose is attached way back near my sinuses? I've been tugging at it for about an hour now and don't yet have the guts to just yank the sucker.
If a man bought a magazine to look at naked pictures of Britney Spears, Kirstie Alley, Eva Longoria and Jeri Ryan, do you think my site traffic would go up from the blatant name whoring?
The Boston Marathon is coming up soon. Nope, I have nothing else on that.
How cool would it have been if Tiger woods was given the option of trading in his new green blazer for the other Parnevik nanny?
A guy and a girl go into a bar. The guy says to the girl, "Do you want a drink?" "Sure," she replies. "Then pay for it yourself skank."
Did ya ever hear that song by I forget the stupid band's name that goes something like "If I had a million dollars..." Well, guess what? I bet they do have a million bucks. Stupid song.

Yup, these are the thoughts that pop up out of my rectum.

What is it about...

2005-04-12T06:54:00.000-04:00

...the way a prostitute cooks an omelete after she's done her business?

...the way my left nut bangs against my right nut when I'm dancing the macarena?

...the soft feel of a lamb's back in the springtime?

...the way a goose explodes when you hit it at 73 mph?

...the funky smell on my left ring finger?

Today's Headlines (and how I read them)

2005-04-11T14:21:00.000-04:00

Real headlines from today's news outlets:

School Shooting Survivor Enjoys Baseball
Keeps it under his pillow at night

N.D. Legislature OKs 'Black Box' Bill
'Black Box Bill' now most popular pornstar name

Clinton Foundation Pledges $10M for AIDS
Still not enough to relieve former President's burning itch

Six Wounded in Florida Family Feud
On-location gameshow segment goes awry

Guard Units May Be Short in Fire Season
Height requirement law struck down

Bolton pledges to help strengthen U.N.
U.N. says it doesn't need sappy theme song

DHS May Resume Airlifting Mexican Illegals Back Home
Government places $10 billion order with Boeing for helicopters with big nets

Lame-asil

2005-04-10T20:58:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, I know...there hasn't been a fresh post to this blog in about a thousand years. Stay tuned. And quit cupping my nuts.

Flinging Turds

2005-01-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Suspected meteor lands in Cambodia: police

Can't land a plane there, so why not meteorites?

PHNOM PENH (AFP) - A 4.5-kilogram (10-pound) suspected meteorite has landed in rice fields in northwestern Cambodia, narrowly avoiding a nearby village, police said.

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave, a 6.5-kilogram (11-pounds or however the metric conversion works out) suspected rock of crack landed in a cocoa field in nortwestern Bogota, nearly avoiding a nearby village of indigenous addicts.

"The rock fell on a harvested rice field from the sky on Monday morning," said Sok Sareth, police chief of Banteay Meanchey province, which borders Thailand.

From the sky? Really? You don't suppose someone just lobbed it into Cambodia from Thailand?

"According to the villagers who live nearby, it came very quickly from the sky and made a noise like a bomb exploding. It dug about 40 centimetres (16 inches) into the ground," he told AFP.

Only in Cambodia would a village be able to accurately make the connection between a bomb exploding and a meteorite driving a foot-and-a-half into a pond full of Uncle Ben's.

"The rock is a little bit black and was hot, and looks strange compared to other rocks... It was lucky that it did not land in the village or people could have been killed," he said, adding experts would examine the rock.

It was probably a big, fat turd dropped from a Japan Airlines overflight. And what's this about the meteorite being lucky it didn't land in the village? What, are they going to go all Young Frankenstein on its ass?

Pictures of the lump were splashed across the front pages of local newspapers Wednesday.

No, not the lump from Jerry Orbach.

Sok Sareth said some villagers reportedly wanted to turn it into a shrine.

This is exactly why people still refer to them as "villagers."

"Nobody has asked for it yet, but I have been told some villagers said that they want to put it on a shrine to pray to it, but we won't allow them to do that. It's useless," he said.

The shrine they should put it in is the Shrine of the Oh Holy Temple of Crap That Fell From the Sky. Right next to the Coke bottle.

Cambodians, particularly in rural areas, are typically superstitious.

And dumb as the rocks that fall on them.

Vatican Disciplines 17 Priests in N.Y.

2005-01-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

The original headline read:Vatican Spanks 17 Priests in N.Y.

If I Only Had a Brain

2005-01-18T17:01:00.000-05:00

First of all, the headline in this CNN story: "Bush: Better Human Intelligence Needed" is hilarious in its irony.

But what is absolutely appalling is the third paragraph:

"Human intelligence, the ability to get inside somebody's mind, the ability to read somebody's mail, the ability to listen to somebody's phone call -- that somebody being the enemy," Bush said in an interview with CNN senior White House correspondent John King.

It's scary to see the leader of the free world publicly say that he wants to abolish personal freedom.

It gets even better in the fourth paragraph with this oh-so-accurate line: "Lack of human intelligence has been blamed for the belief that stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction existed in Iraq before the war." I think we all know where that lack of human intelligence lies.

Or this paragraph: "Out of that commission -- coupled with the new national director of intelligence, hopefully, this president and future presidents will get the best possible intelligence," he said. To paraphrase: "I blew my education in college, so let's see if these smartypants in Washington can teach me to read."

Or this: "We have dismantled much of the operating capacity of al Qaeda," he said, adding, "That's not to say al Qaeda isn't still a threat." Who is this al Qaeda he's now referencing? Were they the ruling party in Iraq?

Or this doozy: Elections in Afghanistan and the Palestinian territory and those slated to be held January 30 in Iraq "will be a major blow to those who can't stand the thought of people being able to express themselves and determine the fate of a government," he said. I say refer to the paragraph above about Bush wanting to read your e-mail and listen to your phone calls.

Or this one: He acknowledged that U.S. popularity in the Muslim world is weak and blamed poor public relations, coupled with his decision to attack Iraq. 'Ya think they're pissed that you dropped bombs on them?

Or this: "The propagandists have done a better job of depicting America as a hateful place, a place wanting to impose our form of thought and our religion on people," he said. I'm sorry, but the only reason he would bring up imposing our religion on people is if that's what he is really trying to accomplish. Now, which of "our" religions is the President talking about: Christianity? Judaisim? Atheism? Muslim? Mormon?

Nebraska Woman Charged With Canine Sex

2004-12-20T17:57:00.000-05:00

Doggone it. It seems like it may be illegal to Nebraskahave sex with a dog in Nebraska. A woman is appealing to the state's Supreme Court to overturn her sentence of 90 days in jail for having "relations" with a member of the canine family.

Now, a story like this obviously begs a few questions (and random smartass comments), like:

* Is the sentence measured in human or dog years?

* If the dog was a poodle, would the woman have only been charged with a misdemeanor?

* Do you think the defendant got down on all fours and begged the judge for mercy?

* How much peanut butter was used in the crime?

* Was the crime deemed illegal because they weren't doing it doggy style?

* Maybe she really was the dog's bitch.

* Do you think she liked her sex ruff?

* Did Fido get her in the mood by playing a little Beethoven?

* This sure gives new meaning to the famous phrase, "Lassie, cum home."

* Instead of a porno, might they have been watching the movie "Heat?"

* I've taken dogs home from the bar before, but this sure flips the situation around, doesn't it?

Ma'am, May I Please See Your Identification?

2004-12-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

Yet another reason for America to be proud of that big win at The Alamo. Seems that the San Antonio City Council recently approved an ordinance that requires strippers to wear permits while they are on stage. Their rationale? That it will make it easier for police to identify dancers. Seriously. Which begs the obvious question: How inept is the San Antonio police force if they can't recognize strippers in a strip club? (Hint to the SAPD: They're the ones without the clothes.)

Left Turn! Left Turn! Left Turn! Ah...Straightaway!

2004-12-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

A study by the Georgia Institute of Technology says that the South's many tree-lined roads may be the reason the region lays claim to the highest number of vehicle deaths in the U.S. Here are a couple of other findings from the study:

* Two-thirds of the deaths resulted from drivers trying to jump over a creek because the bridge was washed out.

* Eighteen percent of the fatalities were attributed to the drivers' inability to make a successful right-hand turn.

* A full 98 percent of the vehicles involved were pickup trucks.

* Three of the more than 55,000 fatal crashes involved moonshiners running from the law.

Calling Captain Obvious!

2004-11-19T13:36:00.000-05:00

A university student who shot a store clerk and customer to death and then killed himself had been involved in a road rage incident hours earlier, and his mother told authorities he had "anger-management issues," officials said Friday. 'Ya think?